The Despicable Effect
by Burning Fate
Summary: The Normandy crash lands on Earth and Commander Shepard and her crew are injured. Gru and his minons tend to them and Shepard finds herself to be attached to everyone. How will she react to the minions and the girls? The Reapers are coming soon and Shepard needs more on her team. Something to really confuse the Reapers, and the minions are just what she is looking for.
1. Chapter 1

The Normandy was sent plummeting to the Earth below. Space pirates had shot them down and set the engines and boosters on fire. Joker tried as hard as he could to pull up, but the engine had died out, and nothing could be done. He pulled so hard that his soft, brittle bones snapped in his arms, but he didn't stop trying. Only grunts could ease the huge amounts of pain that shot through his nerves and he bared his teeth and bit his lower lip as he prayed in his mind, hoping that God would some how put a shield around the Normandy. Commander Shepard ran in from behind him, trying not to fall over and slide down on the floor to the cockpit as she lunged onto the back of Joker's seat.

She looked down, seeing the fear in Jokers eyes and the fire that arose from the beak of the ship burned his cheeks and glowed in his glassy eyes, scared eyes. Shepard put her hands on his shoulders before she reached over to the comm.

"Listen up! This is Commander Shepard! As you all know, we have just been blasted by an enemy, who has apparently found an active Reaper cannon! We're going to crash land on Earth, so everyone hold on to something!" The ship broke through the atmosphere and sent a shock through the Normandy, making Shepard hit her head hard on the consoles, just enough to knock her down. She laid behind Jokers seat, head rolling back and forth as the ship shook. Grabbing her throbbing head, Shepard tried to sit up, but then, everything went black.

Q-Q

What felt like a huge amount of weight was pulled off of Shepard's head, her helmet had been pulled off of her. She could breathe, she could smell blood, but she didn't want to open her eyes. They felt heavy and hot. She was afraid that her eyelids had gotten burnt, and didn't feel like going through the pain to open them.

"Boss!" She heard a small high pitched voice from beside her, but didn't do anything. Her whole body was tired and it had felt as if metal plates had fallen onto her. It hurt too much to move.

"Quickly. Take her to the lab. Professor Nefario will look at her."

'Oh no. Pirates? No, this accent is...something else,' Shepard thought. Tiny, three fingered hands pushed underneath her shoulders and began to tug on her armor. She heard grunting and straining struggles as she moved an inch on the hot metal floor. The hands released her and gasping and mumbled gibberish hit her ears.

"Gah! Move aside! I will carry the woman inside! Kevin, Paul, Tim! Go tell Professor Nefario and the others that we need help getting everyone inside!"

"Yes Boss!" Tiny feet tapped against the ship floor and ran far away to where she could barely hear them, and then they were gone. Someone had fallen to their knees and pushed their arms underneath her, beginning to lift her off of the floor of the Normandy.

"PFFT!" She shook in the arms of whoever held her. "Curse this….very heavy armor you are wearing, lady!" Shepards bones started to ache and felt as if they were crackling, her skin started to burn and her chest had felt as if it had collapsed. She started to breathe quicker as she attempted to hold in her grunts and moans of pain.

"Uhhh….," She had stopped moving, arms flailing underneath her. "Door….. The door seems….a bit small to carry her out this way. Maybe if I move," She moved again slightly and bumped the side of her head on the doors manual control. The lights around her started to go out again and she was out.

"….. Oh poop."

Q-Q

Shepard almost felt naked. She moved her hands up and down her body, feeling bandages and a soft sheet against her burnt hands. Below her, there was a metal table, cool on her aching back. What had sounded like a small lift came up to her side and stopped. Something had jumped off beside her and poked her face. Shepard slightly opened her eyes, feeling heavy and seeing nothing but a blur of yellow and blue. Her eyes cleared up and she saw huge brown eyes and big goggles in front of her. A small three fingered hand waved at her and the little creature smiled.

"Oh, bello!" She sat up slightly, but a pain shot through her back and she plummeted back down to the pillows. The yellow thing beside her whined and awed as another ruffling was heard. A cold object was lightly put down onto Shepards head. She put her hand over it, hearing it crunch and feeling the nice cool sensation on the palm of her hand and on top of her eyelids. An icepack.

She opened her eyes and smiled as the little yellow thing giggled.

"Hey, thanks a lot little guy." She placed a weak kiss against his forehead, getting a small giggle and a blush in return as the little yellow creature crossed his arms behind him and kicked his right foot against the table.

"Oh, you are awake! It is good you are not dead!" That same weird accent. A man in black with a very long sharp nose smiled down on her, but Shepard sensed it was a fake smile.

"Where am I?" She asked.

"Right now, you are in my lab. I'm going to say you had a bit of a….accident with your ship." The images of the flames and Jokers terrified face ran through her mind. Wait….. Joker! Shepard grabbed themans striped scarf and pulled his face towards her, making him hide his head a bit in the collar of his jacket.

"Where's the rest of my crew? The pilot! Joker! Is he alright? Did you get him out!?" Shepard felt a small tug on a loose bandage and looked down to see the small yellow thing holding a brown paper bag. He handed it to her.

"Para tu!" It said. Shepard quickly snatched the bag and began to breathe into it.

"Do not worry about a thing," the man said, tugging his scarf out of her hand, "we have gotten everyone…and…..everything, off of your ship. It is all good!" He said with a sarcastic thumbs up and a smirkey smile. She had nothing to say. It was awkward. The moment had turned very awkward and the little yellow creature down below cleared its throat and started to whistle.

"Oh yes! That reminds me, this is Bob. He is one of my minions. Trust me, there are many, many more! And I am Gru! I used to be very bad, evil villain! But now, I am a part of an Anti-Villain association. And you are…..uh…" Commander Shepard stood up straight and handed the bag back down to the minion as she placed her arms formally behind her back.

"I am Commander Kate Shepard. Commander of the Normandy and protector of space. My ship was shot down by space pirates who found a Reaper weapon and-."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Gru said, waving his arms in front f him. Shepard cocked an eyebrow. "I find something to catch a bit of my interest. What is this…Reaper you speak of?" Shepard slumped over and sighed.

"Perhaps I've said too much. Uh….it's just a tad….classified."

"Oh! That is good! I am a spy! Spies can tell each other classified things! Come! Sit! Let us talk of these Reapers!"

"I am no spy! I am Commander-!"

"Babo yono." Shepard looked down at a pair of shining brown eyes.

"I'm….sorry. What did he just say?" Gru turned around and walked back to her, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, minions have a very…..confusing vocabulary. It takes some getting used to, yes, but in time, you will know. But he just said…..uh…... something around the lines of…..please, I am guessing by his look." Shepard looked down at Bob who shrugged and slightly nodded.

"….. Okay."

"YAY!" Bob shouted and jumped into Shepards arms.

"But first," Gru cocked a bushy brow and pursed his lips as Shepard squinted her eyes, "I want to see my crew."


	2. Chapter 2

Gru led Shepard to his inner lab, every single table he had inside being used as a doctoring station. There were minions dressed as doctors and nurses, a few at each table, inspecting every part of the body in front of them, covering wounds and scanning for broken bones with an x-ray gun. Some of the minion nurses even gave a kiss to the forehead to some patients.

Looking around, Shepard found many of her very close crew mates. Zaeed laid on one table, teeth baring as one minion wrapped his arm. Mordin the salarian scientist sat up on his table, slightly moving his injured left arm and a minion doctor shaking his head and waving his arms for him not to do that.

"Mordin," Shepard called with a slight smile. The salarian looked towards her, his scarred, aged face growing warm as he felt an exciting feeling shoot through his spine just seeing that she was alright.

"Ah, Shepard! Good to see you are okay! I am very delighted…..no, excited to see that you are in one piece." Shepard couldn't help but to chuckle. She was just as happy to see him alright….and in one piece. A loud roar came from across the room and Shepard's eyes popped. It had even made Mordin jump a little.

"Get off of me you little yellow termites!" The lab shook for a moment, and then stopped. Many minions ran behind Gru, shivering at the rage of the creature that stomped towards them.

"Now hold on just one second," Gru said, waving his finger and narrowing his eyebrows. He was close enough to poke the creature in the face, but the other grabbed Gru forcefully by the wrist and swung his hand down to his side.

"It would be smart for you to think before you go poking around with me human. I may just bite off your finger next time…. If you're lucky. May temp me into ripping that dagger off of your face and stabbing you with it in the gut." Gru's eyes widened in fear as he pulled his hand away from the creature and backed behind Shepard with his minions. Shepard lowered her head and rubbed the bridge of her nose as she sighed.

"Uh, this thing of yours…..seems to be….very unfriendly." Gru told her.

"Only around new people. Grunt!" The krogans head shot up over to Shepard and he stood straight in attention mode.

"Battle Master! Shepard, you're alright!" He said in his gruff, powerful voice, walking over to her and patting her hard on the back. Shepard held in her grunts of pain as her injured back throbbed. She smiled.

"I see you are too, Grunt." She said through her clenched teeth. Grunt looked at Gru who hid behind her and growled as he gave him a very devilish look.

"You should be in awe human," Grunt said, extending his arms out to his sides, "you're in the presence of two icons." Shepard shook her head lightly and turned her head to her sides, seeing Gru in the corners of her dark blue eyes.

"Don't worry about him. He'll grow on you. Grunt's as cuddly and soft as a kitten when you get to know him." Gunt shot his head back at Shepard, face looking as if he were disgusted by her words.

"I am a krogan, Shepard! I'm anything but soft and cuddly." Mordin grasped his chin as he stared at Grunts armored body.

"Very curious. It would seem as if the krogan had no damage at all. Sure a little skid mark here and there on armor, but otherwise, no fatal signs that need tending to." Grunt looked to Mordin and rolled his eyes.

"I'm a krogan. I'm strong! My skin is tough." Shepard mentally slapped herself in the forehead. Morin bend down and inspected the minions, poking their heads and pulling on their goggles. He pulled one too far out and let go, sending the minion flying backwards.

"Bey! Patobanafo!" The minion yelled, being helped up by two others as he repositioned his one eyed goggle. Mordin held out his hand and smiled.

"My apologies little one. Just researching." The minion looked up at Mordin and shrugged as he smiled and grabbed his big hand with both of his tiny ones.

"Bah, nee otay." Mordin stood and looked at Gru as he rubbed his chin and wondered.

"Very fascinating creatures you have."

"I could say the very same thing about you and…..others." Gru said, looking back at Grunt who cocked his head.

"Indeed. I would wish to study these creatures more. Nothing extreme such as dissection, but just looking at computer files and studying their forms if you would not mind, Mr…."

"I am Gru."

"Yes. Mr. Gru. And I am Professor Mordin Solis, under command of Commander Shepard herself." A rolling noise came from behind Shepard and an old voice followed.

"Yes, the minions are interesting! I myself am too a professor and I have even done my own research, and I would be more than happy to share my findings with you professor." Shepard cocked an eyebrow as an old man in a red scooter rolled to her side, long white hairs sticking up on his head.

"Oh, right. Uh, Shepard, Mordin, monstrous armored creature, this is Dr. Nefario. He is the one who tended to each of your wounds." Shepard started to feel awkward as she looked at her bare waist and bandaged chest.

"So…..this elderly man is the one who…..undressed me."Shepard asked.

"Oh, no. I had the minions do that. One was excited about it and the other…well…..he's been scarred seeing a woman's body up close and personal." Shepard's eyes popped and Grunt let out a roaring laugh.

"You humans look so funny when your faces turn different colors." Shepard looked at Grunt and frowned. Gru snapped his fingers.

"Ms. Shepard, Dr. Nefario knows where your pilot is." Nefario reversed his scooter slowly to face her.

"The man with the hat that was burnt to a crisp? Said N7 on it, yes?" Shepard remembered that she had bought that hat for Joker for a Christmas present.

"That's him. His name is Joker. How is he? Is his condition critical?" Dr. Nefario shook his head.

"Not as much as he was. He is mumbled a bit here and there, but at least it's something. Here, I'll show you to his room."

"I'll follow you Doctor." Shepard said back, moving aside for Nefario to roll past her, but his scooter moved at least three miles per hour…maybe not even that.

"Uh, minions, take Shepard to her pilot friend." Gru said. A minion dressed as a nurse smiled, chuckled, and tugged on Shepard's index finger.

"Oh behi!" It yelled, tugging Shepard forward towards a separate room in the lab. She was pulled inside, only to see a bandaged up body on a table covered in tons of sheets. The face was almost un-recognizable due to the burns on what used to be pale cheeks. Arms were in casts and one leg was in a cast and in a traction. Two minions around him jumped down off of the small chairs beside the table he laid on and walked to Shepard. Gru walked in and saw Shepard, standing motionless as she stared at her pilot on the table.

"Gary, Burt, Alec, let's leave her alone with him for a moment." The minions turned and ran out of the room as Gru closed the door behind them. Shepard stood for another moment, and then decided to go sit beside Joker. He didn't move an inch, not even to turn his head. He wouldn't open his eyes, his breaths were weak and very small, and he wasn't talking, or at least mumbling, anything.

"Hey there, Joker," Shepard said, almost in a whisper, "you saved a lot of lives the other day." She grabbed his hand and sniffled.

"We need our pilot, so you'd better come back to us soon. We…..I need you. The Reapers are coming. I don't know when they'll be here, but I need you back to how you were. You can pull through this, you're strong. Just hang in there." All of a sudden, Jokers hand gripped around Shepard's very slowly. And he mumbled words that she could barely understand at all.

"_I am back, Shep." _


	3. Chapter 3

Gru's head shot up as he heard a door click open, Shepard walking out with a slight smile on her bruised face. He stood up and walked to her as she shut it and held the knob for a few seconds. Gru put a hand lightly down on her shoulder before she turned around and grinned at him with a small, weak chuckle.

"He's fine." Shepard told him, getting a sigh of relief in return.

"That is good! Now then, can you and I talk of these Reapers?" Shepard had forgotten all about it. She was more worried about Joker and the others before, but now that she knew they were all okay, there was really nothing more but the Reapers to talk about.

"Of course." Gru led Shepard to a big couch where some minions were sleeping, taking his hand and patting them to wake up and move, as they did sluggishly. The two of them sat on the couch and Gru folded his hands under his chin as Shepard twiddled her thumbs.

"Reapers….. Where should I start? …"

"The beginning would be nice." Gru said being smart. Shepard looked over at him to see him shrug. She sighed.

"Reapers are giant, highly advanced machines. Synthetic-organic starships that stay in dark space, between galaxies. Reapers stay in dark space for fifty thousand years, and when the years are up and they return, they harvest people and other alien races and make them into these…..monsters… They….experiment with life as we know it. To them, we are the prey." Shepard lowered her head as Gru stared at her with a frown.

"So…..have you ever seen a Reaper, Shepard?" He asked.

"I haven't just seen them; I've talked to one." Gru's eyes widened.

"But…..they are machines, yes? Then….. how could one-?"

"They are highly advanced machinery. VERY highly advanced. The one I talked to was called Sovereign. It told me that the Reapers have neither beginning nor end," Shepard said extending out both hands as the beginning and end. It was all new and confusing to Gru, and he could tell that the subject hurt her deeply, but she didn't show any mental or physical pain over it.

"And you think these things are coming to Earth?" Gru asked. Shepard nodded and stood up.

"I know they are. We were heading to a planet known as Tuchunka and we saw that Reapers had already invaded, but we came and took them out. They are invading all of the star system planets and when they're done, they will come to Earth. My team and I are the last hope for all kind." Her last words really caught Gru off guard. This woman and these…..things that she called teammates were Earths hope for surviving? No way. Gru had saved Earth once from evil minions, but how dangerous were these Reapers that Shepard spoke of? They were machines, not little purple, wild midgets. The way she spoke of them, Gru had an image in his head of what they looked like. Reapers….. Grim Reapers! They must have been giant, metal Grim Reapers!

"Ah, Shepard. Do you by any chance have…..any type of a picture of these Reapers?"

"On the Normandy, yes. But, she has to be rebuilt first before we reboot the systems. I'd say after that crash landing the ship was badly damaged." Gru thought of the ship, which had crashed right into his back yard, remembering that he had some minions cover it up with a cloaking device so that none of the neighbors would grow suspicious about anything. He snapped out of his thoughts as Shepard walked past him, back to her injured crew mates. Gru wanted to find out what these Reapers really looked like, and an idea shot into his brain. He almost tripped as he jumped up off of the couch and ran to her as she stood by one crew members side, a minion doctor massaging wounds.

"Until the Normandy is fixed, I will not be able to contact any reinforcements or locate where the Reapers are at this very moment. Joker knows just about everything on the Normandy, but he's not in too good of a shape right now. I'll need to find someone else, but it looks as if our engineer and repair teams are in the same shape."

"Shepard!" Gru yelled, making her quickly turn and the minion doctor yell as he fell backwards due to the scare of Gru's voice.

"My minions and I could help you rebuild your ship! The, uh, Normandy." Dr. Nefario strolled over, hearing the idea and chuckling just a little, imagining what chaos the minions would cause.

"I'll help. I've done some work on ships in my days and I'd say I still know some things about them. The minions, well I'm going to have to teach them. Otherwise, your ship…..may be in worse shape than now." Shepard and Gru looked at each other as if to say, 'Seriously?'.

"I know what you'reboth thinking," Dr. Nefario added, "but really. I can help. Don't let my old age throw you off. Now what's your ship called? The No-Man-Dies?" Shepard shook her head and Gru smacked himself.

"The Norway?"

"No. The-."

"No-candy!"

"No. My ship is-."

"No-windy?" Shepard didn't say a thing. Dr. Nefario just sat in his scooter and stared at her, watching Gru standing behind her, mouthing off something, most likely comments about Nefario's old age.

"The Normandy." Shepard said, getting a nod in return.

"Good name for a ship." And with that, Nefario strolled away. Gru looked over at Shepard and waved for her to follow him. He stood on a platform on the floor.

"Kevin, Dave! Come here, please." The two minions, one being tall with two eyes and the other being short with one, sluggishly scattered towards them, feet tapping vigorously against the metal floor. Gru unzipped his jacket and pulled out a small remote with a red and green button on it, pushing the green one. The platform on the floor was lifted to the ceiling which had opened to the back yard. It was spotless.

"Dave, Kevin, go uncloak the ship."

"Yes Boss." They both said before walking to a small console up against the fencing. Kevin went to pull the lever, but Dave smacked his hand down.

"Docho!" Kevin yelled, and smacked Dave. The two began to smack each other: back hand, face palm, and even punching. They both wanted to pull the lever, but only one could do it. Commander Shepard walked over to them as they rolled on the ground, covering them in her shadow and making the minions stop in their little act. She bent down and stared at them, making the two minions look at each other and back to her, feeling very awkward now. Kevin stared at her blue eyes, mesmerized by their beauty as they shone and his heart started to beat fast. Dave, on top of Kevin, felt a pounding against Kevin's chest and bounced off of him. Shepard looked at Dave as Kevin stayed laying on the ground, arms still up as if he was going to punch someone, as if he never knew Dave wasn't there.

"Are you Dave?" Shepard asked the little one eyed minion.

"Mhm!" He blurted with his mouth shut, arms down and hands out as if to look like a nervous school boy.

"Can you please pull that lever for me," Shepard asked. Dave turned and grabbed the lever, yanking it down and turning back to point and laughed at Kevin, which had snapped him out of his gaze of the Commander. Kevin looked back at her, seeing her smile and slightly giggle at him, making him turn his head and blush as he scratched a place underneath his left eye. He cleared his throat and turned back to her as if he wanted to say something, but she had stood up and walked back to Gru. A pulse of blue like shone in the back yard, and the Normandy and her beaten body were visible.

"Wow. I can't believe she's still intact." Shepard said, walking towards the automatic door that had been blown in half, the one half sliding open and the other nothing but sparking wires. She walked in with Gru following close behind, the two minions outside running in behind them, Kevin watching Commander Shepard's every move.

"EDI, are you okay?" Shepard asked out loud, making Gru stare at her stupidly.

"Uh, Commander Shepard. Do you….have an imaginary friend?" Gru asked.

"What? No. EDI is the ships AI."

"Oh. I see." They all waited for a moment, silently. EDI didn't appear.

"I guess when the ship crashed, she shut down. When Joker's back to himself, he'll have to fix her." Shepard looked towards the cockpit, seeing black walls and sparking button. Jokers chair had burned at the bottom and the top was blown off. She started to walked over towards it, but something on the floor caught the bandages around her ankle and tripped her. Kevin turned around in time to see her and gasped, everything around him seeming as if it had gone to slow motion. He threw Dave out of his way and ran towards her, but Gru had caught her. Kevin was caught off guard and tripped over his shoe tie, falling face first onto the floor as Gru pulled Shepard up to her feet. Dave ran to him, seeming as if he was going to ask if Kevin was okay, looking very worried, but then his cheeks filled with air and Dave started to laugh hysterically.

Shepard wondered what was so funny and looked to see Kevin on his stomach, arms out above his head and legs up and bent back. Kevin heard footsteps coming towards him, but was too embarrassed to raise his head. Dave stopped laughing.

"Heh?" Dave had said.

"Oh, you poor thing." It was the voice of an angel! Kevin raised his head quickly, one eye twitching and slightly closed. Commander Shepard was kneeling down in front of him. He sprang to his feet, brushing himself off, but then his head throbbed and he began to feel dizzy. Kevin got up too fast. As he fell back towards the floor, hands caught him under his arms. He was lifted up off of the floor, looking to see the Commander in front of him. Kevin wondered for a moment, but then Shepard brought him close to her face, and kissed him on the forehead where a red mark was left after hitting his head on the floor. She put him down, turning back to Gru as Dave watched Kevin start to happily freak out. Kevin waved his hands rapidly and eyed his forehead. Then he smiled, his eyes partially closed and he fell backwards, Dave's eyes growing wide. Kevin had passed out.

"Well, I've seen the damage on the inside. Let's get out of here." The humans walked to the automatic door and Dave stayed back with Kevin, who still laid on the floor.

"Eh? Ah! Boss!" Dave yelled. Gru stopped and looked back, seeing Dave beside a laying Kevin.

"What the heck? Kevin! This is no time for napping!" He yelled.

"No, no, no! Kevin busado!" Dave yelled.

"Passed out? What do you mean he passed out?" Dave shrugged.

"Uuuugh. You have got to be kidding me right now." Gru sighed, walking back and picking Kevin up off of the floor, carrying the minion over his shoulder. He didn't know why Kevin had passed out, but what no one noticed is that Kevin had fallen in love.


End file.
